My Natural Preference...(and an update)

   As a teacher, I find myself repeating important information.  I say the same thing over and over, maybe rephrasing it, because it's important.  I will say something, then say it again because I really think the point has to be made....see what I'm sayin'?
   This morning when I was doing my devotion, I realized something I discovered a long time ago: some things in the Bible are repeated a few times so they must be things that we are supposed to "get." This morning's devotion was like a compilation of everything I've been "getting" over the past month.
   Here it is from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young:

Grow strong in your weakness. Some of My children I've gifted with abundant strength and stamina.  Others, like you, have received the humble gift of frailty.  Your fragility is not a punishment, nor does it indicate lack of faith.  On the contrary, weak ones like you must live by faith, depending on Me to get you through the day.  I am developing your ability to trust Me, to lean on Me, rather that on your understanding.  Your natural preference is to plan out you day, knowing what will happen when.  My preference is for you to depend on Me continually, trusting Me to guide you and strengthen you as needed.  This is how you grow strong in your weakness. (James 4:13-15, Proverbs 3:5, Isaiah 40:28-31)

    I didn't think I was gifted with weakness.  I've always seen myself as a strong, take charge kind of person.  I'm at home in leadership positions or working as part of a team. Having cancer...twice...really makes you slow down and think about what's going on in your life.  I've been forced to slow down and admit that I can't do everything; sometimes I need help and it's okay to ask for it.  I've been forced to be weak.  In my weakness, through more purposeful time spent with Jesus, I've developed a different kind of strength.  This strength doesn't have anything to do with leading, but instead following the One who will lead me  beside the still waters and restore my soul. (Yes, that's from Psalm 23).  This strength is what helps me meet the everyday challenges, big and little, and continue to grow in grace and mercy. This reminds me of some of the "truths" from the book The Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free by Nancy Leigh DeMoss:

• By God's grace, I can choose to obey Him regardless of how I feel.
• There is no excuse for ungodly attitudes, responses, or behavior.
• I  do not have a "right" to "feel good." Regardless of how I feel, I can choose to give thanks, to obey God, and to reach out to others.
• God has given us powerful resources- His Holy Spirit, His Word, His promises, the body of Christ- to minister to our emotional needs.
• I may not be able to control my circumstances, but my circumstances do not have to control me.

      I had to face the fact that sometimes I like to wallow a little instead of taking responsibility to do what I know I need to do instead of using the excuse "I don't feel like it" or "Since I'm sick, people need to make allowances." This, sometimes, may be a fine line because I find myself trying to be okay when I really do need help. This is when I need to heavily rely on the Holy Spirit's guidance.
   "Your natural preference is for you to plan out your day, knowing what will happen when." Oh, I so resemble that remark!!!  God wants me to trust Him.  This particular thing is a growing process for me. I'm finding the more I realize I am weak and need assistance, the more I find the strength I need to handle whatever the day brings! 
    Bottom Line:  It's so not about me, my abilities, my wants, etc.  It's all about him and His character and will for my life.

Update: 
   Great doctor visit today. White count has doubled since Tuesday. No blasts (I had to ask what they were...leukemia cells) in the lab work. Still waiting for chromosome results to determine next phase (hospital = 2 weeks or outpatient 5 days X 5 weeks).Doc told me that some of the treatment involves arsenic..."As in Arsenic and Old Lace without the old lace? Rat poison is going to help make me better?" I asked.  Apparently in the right doses administered correctly the answer is yes. I have another question: Who sits around and figures this stuff out? God's got to have His hand in this!Sis went with me today and we both prayed with Dr. B. So glad God's got this and continues to be faithful!