Cancer-Round Two!

   A week ago I was very excited to be going to my last six month oncology appointment...I would get to go to yearlies since I was five years cancer free.  After the routine blood work, I was told they wanted to do the tests again.  On the second round of blood work, I was told my white count was low. It could be a virus. I was given an appointment for the next week.  More blood work showed an lower count; even lower than when I was on chemo.  Friday I went in for a bone marrow biopsy and made an appointment for the next week to talk about the results. Early Saturday morning I received a call from my oncologist who said she got the preliminary results Friday evening and final Saturday morning.  I have acute promyelocytic leukemia. Dr. B said I needed to go to the hospital immediately.  "Immediately, as in right now?" I asked. (I was trying to finish my oatmeal and blueberries!) She asked me how I was feeling, and when I told her "fine" she said I could wait until Sunday afternoon.
   After getting off the phone, shedding a few tears, praying for strength and guidance, I began making phone calls.  Thanks to great family and friends, my classroom was taken care of, I met with my realtor (Y,es in the middle of everything, I'm trying to sell my house!), got my act together, and made it to the hospital. What a whirlwind!
   Okay, I need to take a moment and do a little praising.  Praise, really? Yes, I can see God's fingerprints all over this.  First, I didn't have any symptoms.  I was well enough to take care of the things I needed to see to before coming to the hospital.  According to Dr. B, this is a very aggressive form of leukemia and patients are usually exhibiting symptoms including pain and bleeding.  I still feel okay. (I do feel a little guilty because I've been on the computer or phone most of the day.) Another plus: this is a very treatable form or leukemia and it was caught early.  More praise...I can have visitors!  This is not inherited...no risk for my family!
      There are several more things I want to blog about, but will save for other posts.  (I don't like to read really long posts, so I figure no one else does either.) In order to keep everyone updates, I will updates.  I will also be blogging about my experience and thoughts during this whole journey.  I've been telling people this is going to be an adventure, but I'd rather be on a safari in Africa if given a choice!

When God Doesn't Seem to Make Sense

   Habakkuk...maybe not the most famous of all prophets.  I found myself studying him this week; never realized he was a bit different from the other prophets.  While most of the prophets in the Bible are the in-your-face speakers of God's word to us, Habakkuk speaks our word to God.  He lets God know about our disappointment with trying to make sense out of everything.  (Check out the book of Habakkuk...it's only three chapters, but it's powerful.)
   This study kind of reminds me of some of the times I've wrestled with trying to make sense out of what God is doing. (Who am I kidding? This happens more often than I care to admit!) One particular time comes to mind.  When my precious friend G was at the end of her Earthly journey and her sister posted her final blog, I let God know exactly what I thought about Him allowing her to leave the Earth.  God, in His infinite wisdom, did not send a lightning bolt to fry me for my total disrespect.  Instead, He allowed me to "get it out of my system," cry myself out, grieve, and begin to experience the peace that His word speaks about for those who call Him Father. 
   I visited G's blog to read her final post and was reminded of my comment:

Hey Girl!
I'm not going to lie to you, I really want to lay down in the floor and thrown one hissy of a fit. I guess that's why God calls us His "children"...I know that I can act like a child. God doesn't call us to understand, but to trust, believe and obey. (But you know me...I want to understand and I want to be in charge and I want it my way. I actually had a really good idea: You know how teachers donate a day of sick leave? I told God I could convince at least 50 or so people to donate a year of life for you. Well, as you might have guessed, He didn't get back to me on that.) I can not put into words how blessed I am to share this short part of our journey together. Our long talks, adventure in Belize, wig shopping, helping me through that first chemo experience, the theater (sitting through Phantom), and so many other memories will bring smiles, tears and yes, the occasional eye roll. Your friendship and support will never be forgotten...I've got pictures! Your lifeprints are forever on my heart. I love you bunches!!!!
P.S. Please say hi to my mom and little brother (you'll actually get to meet him before me...don't tell him too many stories!)

   I really appreciated the following statements from Eugene Peterson in his introduction to Habakkuk in The Message.  Peterson is talking about How Habakkuk, in his bafflement and confusion waits and listens.

It is in his waiting and listening-which then turns into his praying-that he found himself inhabiting the large world of God's sovereignty.  Only there did he eventually realize that the believing-in-God life, the steady trusting-in-God life, is the full life, the only real life. Habakkuk started out exactly where we start out with our puzzled complaints and God-accusations, but he didn't stay there.  He ended up in a world, along with us, where every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

   So when I'm just "not getting it" and feel a bit out of control, I'm so glad I have God's word to put things in perspective.  I need reminders sometimes.  I think that's why I really like this Building 429 song to end this post and encourage myself to look forward to going home.

Living Inside the Mystery

     You know how sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just can't explain some things?  When I was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, people said some pretty crazy stuff and asked some pretty crazy questions.  Some people didn't know what to say and stayed away.  One question I got asked a lot was "Why do you suppose you got cancer?"  My response was "Why not me?"  It was hard for me to explain to people why I didn't feel like I should be immune to a life threatening illness.  My relationship with Christ and the incredible family and friends he blessed me with are what helped me make it through.  I remember a few friends being upset because I wasn't healed like they thought I should have been.  We prayed; it should have happened...right?  It was hard for me to explain how I saw things: God is God and will remain God regardless of what happens.  His character never changes.  His love for me never changes. 
     A few weeks ago I was reading a fiction book, Canary Island Song,  by Robin Jones Gunn.  One of the characters, a one time, self-avowed "hard-core agnostic," described his salvation experience as "having to be willing to live inside the mystery." His explanation is such a nail-on-the-head description of simple faith.  With the author's permission (Thanks, Robin!), here's the quote by Bryan on page 180 of Canary Island Song:

"Some things in life will never make sense.  They won't be made right or explained.  at least in our lifetime.  They float around in a swirl of mystery.  I wanted God to explain all that mystery to me before I agreed to trust him.  But I discovered it doesn't work that way.  He is God, and he doesn't have to explain anything.  When I understood that, then I could surrender to Christ and step inside the mystery instead of stand back and resist."

    What a powerful faith statement from a fictional character.  Proof of how God uses the talents of people like Robin to minister. 
     During the past few weeks I've been constantly reminded of the importance of being willing to live inside the mystery.  How hard do you suppose it was for Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego to be willing to live inside the mystery to the point of saying, "Our God is able to rescue us, but even if he doesn't we won't bow" and trust God with their fate? (Dainel 3)  I love how Ray Stedman put it in Adventuring through the Bible, "God is at work in human affairs, and anyone who sees beyond the visible to the invisible and acts accordingly will find that God provides all the strength and support that is required for success."
     Do you have any opportunities to live inside the mystery?  I recently ran across a quote by Corrie Ten Boom that sums up this post nicely:

"When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off.  You sit still and trust the engineer."

     Let's trust the Engineer!