Finding My New Normal

   The first month and a half of this new year has been kind of weird for me. I was officially retired on January 1st after working for twenty-eight years in the public school system. While parent/teacher conferences were being held during the last few weeks, I stayed home and read or had dinner with my nephews. While my friends made lesson plans and tried to prepare their students to be the best they can be, I prayed, went to chemo, put up new curtains, read, shopped, took lots of medication and hung out with friends. In one more week I'll be starting the maintenance phase of my treatment for leukemia which involves cycling through oral chemo for two years. I'm really trying to find my "new normal."
   After being diagnosed and landing in the hospital for four weeks, I understood that I needed to concentrate on getting well. At the time I thought that meant treatment and being well enough to start back to school and working for Weight Watchers in January. I misunderstood.
    I feel like I'm in a type of uncontrollable movement forward, instead of a normal acceleration.This is not a good feeling for a planner who likes to be in control. But really, what is normal? My "use to be normal" can kind of be summed up in a quote from Ellen Goodman- "Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work, driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in order to get to a job that you need so you can pay for the clothes, car and the house that you leave empty all day in order to afford to live in it." Looking back on that, I'm not so sure I needed to be happy about that kind of normal.
   In the past few days' devotions from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young have been very encouraging and have really addressed some of my feelings. Hear are some of the most meaningful passages from the past couple of weeks:

Accept yourself and your circumstances just as they are, remembering that I am sovereign over everything.  Do not wear yourself out with analyzing and planning...let thankfulness and trust be your guides through the day...You will never run out of things to worry about, but you can choose to trust Me no matter what...Come to Me for rest and refreshment. The journey has been too much for you, and you are bone weary.  Do not be ashamed of your exhaustion. Instead, see it as an opportunity for Me to take charge of your life...My Peace stands out in sharp contrast to your circumstances...Thank me for the conditions that are requiring you to be still.  Do not spoil these quiet hours by wishing them away, waiting impatiently to be active again.  Some of the greatest works in My kingdom have been done from sick beds and prison cells...

    Wow! I so needed to hear all of that right now. From yesterday's reading in Jesus Calling I needed to hear this wisdom:

Do not fear change, for I am making you a new creation...When you cling to old ways and sameness, you resist My work within you, I want you to embrace all that I am doing in your life, finding your security in Me alone...Don't try to force-fit today into yesterday's mold.

    Here are some of the scriptures I read:  (Just click on the scripture and it will take you to the link)  Psalm 46:1-3,John 14:27, Romans 8:28, Psalm 42 11, Isaiah 30:15, II Corinthians 12:9, Zephaniah 3:17, and Psalm 73:23-26.
   So I still am not sure what normal is exactly. I am sure that God has a purpose and a plan for me. My friend, Pastor Luke, in one of his Facebook posts said, "Don't retire, refire!" I'm going to take his advice. I'm going to see where God is working and join Him in His Kingdom work...whatever that may look like...and whatever I do, do it to the glory of God! (Colossians 3:17) Excited about the journey to my "new normal!"

The Journey Continues...

   Now that I'm entering week eight of this adventure (See Cancer-Round Two! and Joy for the Journey?),I have come made some observations. So here they are not in any particular order...all important:

• I have really awesome family and friends. I'm not the only one who knows this.  Those who cared for me in the hospital mentioned my visitors and how much they enjoyed seeing them. Unfortunately, this is one of the reasons my doc gave for me not attending church. She said that it was obvious I was well loved and if I went to church people would want to hug me; she said I had to be careful and stay healthy.  She did say I could go to Sunday school...don't need to walk through the hall because class is close to door and I wait until the lobby clears after.Glad the church I attend has podcasts!

• I would go stark raving mad if I didn't know God. I mean really, how can people survive day to day with major life stuff going on and still manage to function without the assurance and hope given in a life lived in Christ? I was reminded today of God's perfect timing and how "things" come when needed.  Those are what I call "God"incidences. 

• Even though I see over and over again in my devotions about not going overboard on planning and letting God take care of me....I still find myself wanting to be in charge and plan every detail.  Still working on letting go of my "Martha" personality!
• I so miss my classroom!  I enjoy watching kids learn and discover they like it! I love watching kids do hands-on science and see the moment they "get it!" Apparently I like using a lot of exclamation points, too!
• I miss the people with whom I work! I miss walking down the hall and saying "hello" to my colleagues.  I miss hearing how everyone is doing and what's going on in their lives. (Thankful that Facebook helps with this!)  
• Wigs are itchy and they can shed, too.  It was interesting, the other day I noticed a strand of hair in my sink. For those of you who know me, you know I don't like hair in my sink. I thought it was odd, because I no longer have strands of hair attached to my head. Upon closer examination, I realized it was a strand from my wig. Hey, I guess it's that "true to life" experience of wearing a wig.
• There are a lot of ordinary, everyday, run of the mill things I took for granted. I have to be careful to avoid any injuries or illnesses so I don't use scissors, keep cooking to a minimum, stay out of crowds (even if there is an incredible concert coming up), shop and go out in public at odd times, brush my teeth a lot and gargle in a salt/baking soda mixture to keep bacteria to a minimum to keep sores out of my mouth, carry around disinfecting wipes and napkins to open doors, clean tables, etc., and a score of other things I just never thought about. Do I have to do all of that? Sometimes I think, "I'll skip that," but then remember what my doc said and how much I want to continue on this journey with the least number of side effects. So, yeah, I do have to do all of that...not like it...just do it.

   Okay, those may seem like a lot to have observed during the last several weeks, but I know I'm learning more everyday... more about myself, more about my family and friends (always amazing and encouraging), more about my God, whose love never fails and character is displayed daily.